Recently, a dear friend of mine nicknamed me as ‘safe space’, saying I am obsessed with the idea of safe spaces. She was, of course, not too far from the truth. As someone highly sensitive, I am extremely careful about the people I surround myself with as even the smallest things can leave me emotionally disturbed for the rest of the day. Pearl S Buck’s words summarize my state of being rather nicely
A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive.
To him..a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise,
A misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy,
A friend is a lover,a lover is a god, and failure is death.
(Source : Psychology Today)
Pearl Buck also claims that highly sensitive persons are blessed with high levels of creativity. While I am yet to experience any sudden or huge bouts of creativity, there is a wider acceptance of high sensitivity now than compared to when Pearl Buck lived. Highly sensitive persons are no longer considered abnormal or inhumanly sensitive. In fact, around 15–20% of the population is considered to be highly sensitive.
Coming back to the topic, having grown up as an independent thinking child in an environment embedded with patriarchal values, I have always sought safe spaces — spaces where I felt emotionally safe, where I was cherished and accepted for who I am — in the realm of friendship. Over the years, I have found it in friendship with sensitive women and men who do not conform to patriarchal norms. Some were one-on-one friendships, yet others I met as colleagues/classmates and later continued long-distance friendship via social media groups such as WhatsApp. More I thought of what makes these spaces safe, more I realized that they are rooted in feminist values.
Before I further get into those practices, let me set the disclaimer that I fail in practising them more often than not.
(The essay is, for ease of narration, written from the perspective of a particular friends group where we consciously try to engage with each other sensitively.We met as colleagues and instantly hit off. It helped that all of us hold varying flavors of feminist values dearly).
Emotional Consent
As much as possible, we make it a habit to check with the other person before unloading our emotional issues on them. The times we indulge in heavy emotional rant, we try to follow it up with a ‘no response needed; just want to rant’ disclaimer. This frees other people from the obligation of having to respond if they are not in a good emotional space themselves. This practice also includes the acknowledgement that at times people just want to rant and be heard, without being offered solutions. However, the concept of emotional consent has also been critiqued as treating friendship as a transactional space. But considering that at times, active listening can be emotionally draining, practicing emotional consent can be healthy as long as it is done with compassion towards self and others.
Providing a space to say ‘No’
As someone with difficulty saying ‘No’, I feel pressured easily. If someone asks me for a favor, my first response is to say ‘Yes’ without considering the personal cost to myself (I am trying to get better at pausing, thinking and saying ‘No’ in a nice and sensitive manner). As such, I have realized the need to signal that it is okay to say ‘No’. These days, whenever I ask other people for any favor, I try to follow it up with a ‘Hey, I know you are busy. So, please feel free to say No’. After all, the person on the other side could be in the same boat as me, either saying ‘Yes’ impulsively or wanting to say No, but not knowing how. Considering that most of us are socialized to be people-pleasers, the least I can do is to extend a space for saying ‘No’. And this feels a lot like the requirement of ‘enthusiastic consent’ that feminists demand in the realm of sexual interaction.
Taking accountability rather than being defensive during a conflict
This is something I have been trying to practice (and fail) in my relationships. During a conflict within a friends group, where we were fighting over if everyone was contributing equally to the common chores (the pandemic season is visibilizing all types of fault lines!), I realized that we need to stop starting our responses from a defensive position when someone raises a critique. We need to acknowledge the other person’s feelings and accept accountability wherever required. People, at the end of the day, want to be heard and will be more receptive to listen once they feel heard. Avoiding ‘tone policing’ while the other person is raising genuine concerns also helps in this regard. However, certain tones can be triggering for some people and such concerns can be raised once the other person’s pressing concerns have been heard.
An atmosphere of trust and good faith
How relaxing would it be if we could all be in spaces where we trust other persons that they have our best interests at heart and they would look out for us? Last year, on the day section 144 was declared in Bangalore, I went for the anti CAA protest with my friends. It was my first time protesting under 144 and I was terrified as hell. But I also knew that if something happened, we would look out for each other. It may not be enough but the knowledge that we would try our best was reassuring. The contestations around the question of emotional consent and setting boundaries in friendship also get resolved when in a space of collective good faith and trust. When everyone stands up for everyone else to the best of their ability, where care and affection are reciprocated, the decision to say No or delay the response is not taken lightly and the other side also acknowledges it. Additionally, in such spaces of collective care, there is always someone to support you. Collective care also moves beyond the capitalistic connotations of self- care. The very act of participating in political resistance can be seen as engaging in collective care towards society.
Transparent and Consistent communication
The bare minimum required. If we are not able to communicate with someone openly, we probably need to label the relationship as a friendly acquaintance rather than friendship. We don’t owe anyone our friendship. Yes, we should treat every human being with the dignity and respect they deserve. But friendship is a privilege. One of the few choices we get to make as we don’t get to choose our familial or workplace relationships.
Growing together
The person I am today, I owe it to my friends, more than anyone else. Friendship to me is a space where I can discuss and brainstorm everything from mental health, patriarchy, career prospects, favorite movies/shows, politics, recipes, crushes to anarcho-communism. A space where I can explore new things, have fun and be silly with each other. When I joined TISS for higher studies, I had highly problematic views on Kashmir and reservation for Bahujans. I fondly remember evenings spent with a dear friend where she deconstructed my views and introduced me to new ideas without judging, without looking down, allowing me space and time to internalize them. Our friendship was a safe space where I could ask honest questions without fear. As a privileged abled cis heterosexual upper-caste middle-class woman, I learned the basics of how to be an ally from my friends (I still make mistakes and I am still learning).
Emotional support
At times I think, families and employers don’t recognize or appreciate the extent and value of emotional support that friends provide. Difficult Workspaces are made tolerable only by the presence of the friends you make there. If we don’t have friends to provide the emotional support we lack in family spaces (all the more true when there is a conflict in values — patriarchal versus feminist, right wing versus left wing, progressive versus conservative), many families would break irreparably.
Acceptance of self-expression
While not as much as during Pearl Buck’s times, high sensitivity still lacks mainstream acceptance. Feeling emotions intensely or showing your vulnerabilities openly are still frowned upon. Heck, little boys are still told ‘boys don’t cry’, forcing them to bottle up their emotions. Thus, they are socialized into beings who are unable to lend emotional support to their partners or to seek emotional support when needed. Women have it easy compared to men even though we are often derogatorily labelled as ‘emotional’. It took me years to shake off the shame associated with being highly sensitive and that was made possible only with the help of friends who accepted me as who I am.
Additionally, safe spaces also facilitate and accept self-expression. While certain aspects of personal are definitely private (I swear by DuckDuckGo and Firefox Focus rather than Google or Chrome!), many aspects are political and as such, need to be brought out in the open and negotiated collectively. If a space makes you wary of self-expression, it probably is not safe.
Queer platonic relationships and the hope they hold
As someone who identifies as demisexual (a person who does not experience sexual attraction to another person unless they have an emotional bond), I used to worry about ending up alone in life. The idea that we need a conventional family with a romantic/sexual partner and kids to ensure happiness was deeply entrenched in me. However, I have wondered at the hierarchy that places friendships beneath familial or romantic relationships. Does it matter what type of relationships we have in our life as long as the quality of relationships is good? Learning about queerplatonic relationships (strong commitments and partnerships that are non-romantic) also soothed my age-related anxieties a lot. The fact that capitalism is not too keen on queer platonic relationships (you are sharing resources when you are not supposed to!)makes it all the more appealing!
A wise lady once told me that instead of cocooning myself in pre-existing safe spaces, I should try to create safe spaces for myself and others everywhere I go, be it in workspaces or familial spaces. I hope this analysis will help me in achieving that as most of these practices hold in all relationships and not just in friendship.
Dedicated to all the amazing friends whom I have been lucky to have met and known. This article is reproduced from my medium page.
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