“What are you here for? “ Asked the receptionist at the counter in the National Institute of Mental Health and Neuroscience (NIMHANS) Centre for Addiction Medicine, Department of Psychiatry. “Reading addiction,” I said. He lifted his eyes from some report he was looking at and repeated after me in wonder. “ Reading addiction!! “” Yes”, I clarified “ I am addicted to reading fanfiction. I would skip sleeping, eating, and bathing to read 60-70 chapters in one go. Same with fictional novels or series”.
During the subsequent consultation with the doctor, I elaborated on the issue further “ I want to focus on my higher studies application. Yet, I have not written a single proposal so far. Technical solutions such as blocking websites do not work for me as I am fairly good at self-sabotaging myself. I don’t want to live like this”.
Growing up, reading was my refuge. I used to read everything I could get my hands on..fiction, history, biographies, poetry, popular science books, anything. However, I also found it tough to focus while reading. I have read ‘War and Peace ‘ nearly 15 times but I have never read the book completely. I would skim through the book and read portions with characters that I was emotionally invested in. Thus, I have only ever read the story line of Prince Andrei Nikolayevich Bolkonsky in War and Peace. Studying/ academic reading was not easy for me either. I would need to either read aloud or note down every point / every line in the textbook to be able to pay attention. Later, I would be told that I was lucky to have unconsciously developed coping mechanisms early in life.
While I was a good student for a while (I loved learning new things), the anxiety and inferiority complex I developed due to my inattentiveness, impulsiveness and overall sense of being different, ensured that things went downhill after a point. For two years in higher secondary school, I smuggled novels into the classroom and read them during classes. When I could not read, I slept through the classes. I only passed the exams because I had amazing friends who sat with me in the days preceding the exams and forced me to study. Looking back, I realize I was severely depressed and in need of mental health support and wish I had access to a trained mental health counselor. If I had been diagnosed earlier, I would have been able to cope with my Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) in a better way (the term ‘my ADHD’ is used as symptoms can vary across the spectrum). The comorbidities, anxiety and depression would not have gotten this worse either.
Thankfully, I was able to focus on my work once I got into the job stream. Like many women with ADHD, I used to put my heart and soul into work to compensate for my executive dysfunction. This led to heightened executive dysfunction in personal life as we can’t burn a candle at both ends. While my sense of external responsibility ensured that I would perform my professional tasks satisfactorily, I struggled with accountability to myself, especially when trying to achieve my career or higher education aspirations. Additionally, I was never completely free from my addiction. It had just narrowed down to fanfiction. I used to read while waiting for taxis, eating and combing my hair. It was an automatic reaction; as natural as breathing. I listened with envy when people spoke of reading new books / watching new movies. Because despite desperately wanting to, I could not read or watch anything other than fanfiction.
Things began to change for the worse when towards the end of the COVID-19 pandemic, I began to work from home. Without flatmates/friends, there was no intellectual stimulation. I could not experience new things through work or travel. I also made the mistake of exclusively focusing on finishing a report. I struggled so much with depression during this period that I resigned from my job and shifted to freelancing, despite having supportive supervisors. Later, my psychologist would tell me that my brain needs diversity and intellectual stimulation. If I am doing something monotonous like report writing, I have to combine it with a more exciting task.
The much-anticipated self-exploratory career break turned out to be a nightmare. I dragged myself to NIMHANS after a binge reading session without eating or sleeping caused me to faint. When the diagnosis from NIMHANS got delayed, I went to a private practitioner, a clinical psychologist at the urging of a friend. Observing how much I was struggling to pay attention while working, my friend suspected that I have ADHD. She also told me that people with ADHD are more susceptible to behaviour addiction, describing her addiction as an example.
The clinical psychologist diagnosed me with ADHD and behavioral addiction. She pointed out that my binge reading began as a coping mechanism when psychological support was unavailable and gradually it became an addiction. She explained to me that my diagnosis was delayed due to the limited awareness of neurodivergence among women. Women and men vary in how they present their symptoms and mainstream practices do not account for these differences, leading to late diagnosis or incorrect diagnosis for women. I still feel a lot of rage about this discrimination as I can see the mental health tax/ neurodivergence tax that I paid throughout my life in academics, career and personal life. A tax that I continue to pay to this day.
After my initial introduction to the concept, I read more about behavioral addiction and felt like a hypocrite for all the times I judged people harshly. I learnt that it is possible to have a sex addiction, shopping addiction, eating addiction and gambling addiction. Psychology Today has the following to say on the topic.
“ We now know that the brain can react to behaviours much as it does to drugs or alcohol. Certain behaviours produce a strong reinforcement in the brain that makes us want to do them over and over again, even if they interfere with our lives…The scientific evidence of brain imaging, psychological assessments, and treatment that links these behaviours to substance addiction is strongest for gambling addiction”
Parallelly, I began to look for support for behavioral addiction; specifically, binge reading and was disappointed by the lack of resources. It was not listed among common behavioral addictions. There were no alcoholics anonymous groups for reading addiction. While reading is generally considered a good habit, it did not feel good when I developed eye pain, neck pain and my sleeping patterns were disrupted. I felt guilty when I was lying to my loved ones that I was working on higher studies applications or job applications while reading fanfiction. I also hated that I could not do any of the things I enjoy – like reading nonfiction, watching good movies or learning new things. The shame, self-loathing and feeling of inadequacy seep deep into your bones.
The ADHD diagnosis enabled me to access ADHD-specific therapy and medications which were extremely helpful. More than everything, the diagnosis explained the executive dysfunction including inattentiveness and disorganization, emotional dysregulation including high impulsivity and the intense rejection sensitivity that I used to experience. These explanations, in turn, alleviated my internalized shame, guilt and self-hatred. My therapist also advised me to be kind to myself. “ So what if you read fanfiction for two days? Next time, just make sure that you eat, take your medication, take a bath and get some sleep. Small steps, but they matter”. Her words soothed me. The therapy and coaching also provided me with tools to live better with ADHD.
After a brief foray into full-time work, I returned to freelancing after realizing that I needed more time to learn to live with myself. I now regularly exercise, meditate and journal. I submitted a higher studies application and co-authored a manuscript just to prove to myself that I can hold myself accountable without external supervision. To me, the results of these endeavors did not matter, I just wanted to be able to undertake them. While there are bad days, good days outnumber them and I am in a much better headspace than I used to be. I am stronger than my depression, anxiety, ADHD and behavioral addiction and more than the sum of my parts.
P.S. I decided to write this article as I had difficulty finding suitable resources for fighting my addiction. Writing in the hope that people who go through similar experiences would know that they are not alone. Dedicated to all my amazing friends and mental health professionals.
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